by Evy Fewkes
Step 0: The Basics
Before any other steps can be comprehended, you must first understand the two basic principles and ordinances of Twitter. They are as follows: 1st, use the word “Literally” as often as possible for a fun and spunky flare to any tweet. You can put it literally anywhere. 2nd, always make your tweets as dark as you feel they can be without crossing a line. Death and sadness will always add a touch of welcome surprise to a tweet that would otherwise seem monotonous.
Step 1: Be cautious with relatable posts
A common mistake in a plethora of twitter pages is this very problem, but it is very easily solved. Many aspiring twitter experts will often tweet things that begin with phrases such as “That moment when you” without realizing that makes you hecka lame. Instead, try starting it with the similar “I literally just,” which allows you to tell your story but giving them the option of whether or not they are going to relate to it. This is not to say you should never use relatable posts, but only in complete irony (as all tweets should be). For example, the strong but novice tweet, “When you see your teacher at walmart *alarmed eyes emoji*” should be replaced with the tweet “I literally just saw my teacher at walmart and I want to kill myself.” They can still relate, but this stays about you, and they get to laugh without feeling any of your pain.
Step 2: Emojis? More like E”NO”jis
There isn’t much room in the comedy twitter page for emojis. The occasional ironic blushy face or peach emoji is of course allowed in context, but overuse is detrimental. Avoid the cry-laugh and dancing lady emojis at all costs. They will bring your twitter down immeasurably due to their heavy mainstream use.
Step 3: Exaggeration is key
If you cried at the end of Titanic, it would be better to delete your twitter than to tweet “Titanic was sad; it made me cry.” Because who cares? Congratulations, you are like every other couple who saw that movie in the 90’s. Instead a strong “Titanic made me want to stab my eyes out with forks I literally hate every person who has ever lived” should suffice.
With the use of these simple steps, you should definitely find a stronger reaction to all of your tweets you choose to share with the rest of us.