by Elijah Varner
At Westlake, we have experienced a great loss as of late. (By as of late, I mean the last three months, of course.) Thor’s hammer, the senior gift of 2012, has been nabbed. But who did it? Who would be so heartless as to steal such a beloved relic? We have compiled the five most likely suspects who have committed this unforgivable crime.
- LEHI/OTHER RIVAL SCHOOLS
While the finger of blame points towards all other schools in our district, Lehi stands squarely at the front of the line. Who else would steal one of Westlake’s most treasured heirlooms than our mortal enemy? Of course, it could be any other school as well. Perhaps American Fork and Riverton looked into the future and saw our basketball team whoop their butts at state and decided to strike while they still could? Maybe Skyridge wanted to get some form of publicity? Maybe other football teams wanted to get revenge for losing against our–(wait a minute…) In any case, a rival school stealing the hammer is most likely. But it’s hardly the most fun.
Loki is basically the Lehi of Norse mythology. They always want to find some way to outsmart us because we always steal their…wait for it…thunder. But it makes sense that the trickster god would mosey on down from Asgard and steal a likeness of his more-loved brother’s hammer. It makes perfect sense. Maybe all the strange weather we’ve been having is also a direct correlation of Frost Giants at work? Stay tuned.
We all saw Thor lose his beloved hammer in November’s Thor: Ragnarok. Is it possible that he was searching for a replacement? Our hammer certainly has a near-perfect likeness of the thunderous weapon. But, really Thor? We build a school to honor you and you repay us by stealing the hammer? Not cool, bro. So not cool.
- PRINCIPAL TWITCHELL
This one is a bit far fetched, I know. But hear me out. With the middle of the school year hitting, it’s possible that Principal Twitchell looked around and said principally, “These kids aren’t getting along. And they’re too bored. I wonder what we could do about it…”
And so he stole the hammer. His hope was that, maybe, with such a tragic event, it would bring the students of Westlake to unite harmoniously under a common cause. Nice try, Principal Twitchell. Maybe that funny business would have worked at Lehi. But we’re searching your office after school. Don’t make this difficult.
- A WESTLAKE STUDENT
I saved the worst for last. Truly, it would be a tragedy if one of our students were responsible for this horrendous crime. To steal your own school’s own precious artifact would be absolutely despicable. If you were trying to be cool, trust me: the only way to really be cool is to return the hammer. But, seriously, the Daily Herald is telling me that stealing the hammer is punishable as a third-degree felony. Which is really bad, apparently. If you have any information regarding the current location of the hammer and also have at least a sliver of humanity left in you, please report it to the office. We trust you’ll help us help the hammer help Westlake. Godspeed.